Sunday, July 07, 2013

Conversation at bedtime with Sawyer, rocking in the green chair

"How do I stay little?"  - Sawyer  (age 4 and 3/4) 

"You have a long time to be little.  Evelyn's already 7, but she's still little.  When you are
finally big you will be ready to be big." - Mom

"But I want to stay little. I don't want to be big. Tell me how to stay little."

"Just play.  That will keep you little.  Why is it so important to you to stay little?"

"I want to stay little so that your arms can reach all away around me."

"Well, Daddy's pretty big and I can wrap my arms around him."

(With astonishment).  "Can you touch your fingers together like this?"

"Yes, I can."

"And can you reach your arms around Grandma Joannie?"

"I can."

"And Grandpa Johnnie?"

"Him too."

"Can you reach your arms around my bed?"

"No.  So, don't get as big as your bed." 

Monday, October 08, 2012

Home Sweet Home

During one of my middle of the night wake-ups last night, I recalled how years ago I would mutter incantations to whatever deity would hear them to please, please let me get pregnant because my house and my life would be so empty without children.  I felt the absence of little people not yet conceived that I was desperate to know.

And last night, I was so contented with my fuzzy-chinned sleeping husband, and the two warm children curled dreamily upstairs in their beds.  It made me want to suspend time. 

It is so good having them here. Healthy. Thriving.  Each person a distinct individual.  Sawyer with his adorable inhale laugh, spunky wit, and enthusiastic kisses and hugs.  Evelyn with her demure ways, her artistic creations, her strong, sure confidence.

I love them how they are now at ages 4 and 6.  Able to play with one another, reassembling the couch in new fort configurations, giggling uncontrollably at dinner, their enthusiastic UNO playing and their "made you look" jokes.

And I love being healthy and sane and able to appreciate them and the beautiful family life we have here after what was a very difficult previous year clouded with regrets and distractions.


"I want Evelyn to go back to the hospital. She's too bossy!" - Sawyer, a few days ago.  :)

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Dear Evelyn,

I miss your energetic, creative, bright-eyed self.

Heal. Heal. Heal.

I liked curling against your warm napping body in the hospital bed after our talk about Barbie clothes and the closets you need for your dollhouse.  

I love you so much.  I hate seeing you so miserable. 


Saturday, September 22, 2012

Back to School

I didn't cry once about work all last week.  I am no longer fantasizing every morning about the school burning down so I don't have to go to work. And the students are starting to buy in, are being less ass-hole-ish to me, and starting to defend me "don't talk to my teacher that way" when others are gruff.

I had a moment with period 5 yesterday where I remember why I like to teach.  I got two kids reading books who were not interesting in reading anything until I put the right books in their hands.

I got this. I got this. I can do it.

Evelyn loves first grade and decided to ride the bus home every day to sit with her friends so I don't have to pick her up from school. Sweet relief. 

Now, we just need to get this awful current migraine situation solved for her. She's so miserable today and yesterday.


 And we can check off Sawyer's fourth birthday.  He got to pick out an expensive wood building toy at the local "green" toy shop, per his request to pick out his own present, and they wrapped it for us to put away until his birthday.  He simply wanted to invite a few of his friends to join us at his favorite playground for pizza and cupcakes and so that is what we did. I like the simplicity of his approach.  No decorating and little prep or clean up involved.  Thank you, little man.

Sunday, September 02, 2012

"I need more help in reading. I'm a real good kid."

N., age 15, in 10th grade wrote this in his very short response to my "letter to a teacher "writing assignment.  I pulled him aside to begin the lengthy reading assessment process and he on the word list portion, he could read words at a second grade level.  He is black.  And most likely poor.  And what magic can be worked to help this kid?  

I've contacted the powers that be.  I wish I had an extra period to take him aside and work with only him.

That is only one of the painful pieces in the emotional puzzle that made up this week.   It is exhausting to work with kids who expect you to prove something to them and don't just give you respect because you are an authority figure or their teacher.  Not everyone, but enough, that it gets tiring.  There is this tightrope that I must walk between building relationships and keeping kids in line.  Extraordinarily tiring.   Add to that that I somehow have to accelerate the reading of 10th graders reading at around a sixth grade level and I will be judged on their performance on the MCA test.  Oh yes, and the difficulty of "team teaching" a class in a 85+ degree room seventh hour in which I'm doing the teaching and the teammate is simply a science teacher put in their to help with classroom management because it is a difficult group of kids. But, she just sort of leaves a lot of it up to me and then tells me what I've done wrong. Oh yes, and we've known one another for years and are considered friends.

And the whole difficulty of putting my kid in daycare for the first time and the guilt and anxiety that goes along with that. And then trying to find the energy to put in quality momma time with the kids.

Fuck. It sucked being home all the time.  And now it sucks trying to go back to work. 

Damn you, part-time positions, that only got offered to me in the last couple of weeks. Where were you in June? 

It will get better.  It's just boot camp week.  Or month. 

Now, I have a shitload of work to get caught up on while the kids are camping with the Osborns. 

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

You are a great big sister, Evelyn. I am so proud of you.

Evelyn told Sawyer she'd race him to the kitchen and he started crying because she was ahead, so she stopped right before the door and pretended to be stuck in quicksand so he could catch up. And she made him laugh.

Then, while eating peaches, Sawyer started crying that his throat hurt again (the mysterious throat pain from random food problem that has been going on for a few days) and Evelyn got goofy and made him laugh instead.

And then, after snack, she taught him to play Memory and they had a great time laughing at the pictures and being silly.

Wednesday, April 04, 2012

Kid Quotes

"Ew. Don't kiss me." - Sawyer
"If you won't let me kiss you then I guess I'll have to kiss your daddy. He likes my kisses." - Me
"No, he doesn't." -S
"Yes, he does."
"No, he doesn't" -S
"Then why did he marry me?"
"Because he's stupid." -S

April 4: Within the first 3 minutes of speaking to me this morning, Sawyer cried, yelled, and stomped his feet while saying the following in response to my good morning:
  • I don't like my bulldozer. I want a new toy from Target...
  • I dropped my Nukie.  (It was lying by his foot). I want you to pick it up.  
  • I want to hold your hand, but I can't reach you and I don't want to move.  (From the guest bed next to my room where he was crying uncontrollably).
  • I have to go pee, but I can't walk. I want you to carry me." 
He wouldn't let me hold him to comfort him.  All I said was "good morning," from my bed where he came to wake me up.

"I don't want to go no where. I just want to stay home." - Sawyer

‎"I don't like you. I just like Grandpa Johnnie." - Sawyer

5/2  "All this holding my nose is making me tired!" - Sawyer, from the bathroom taking an extensive shit.

I asked Sawyer one night, "Do you think there is a God?"  
He basically replied, "What do you mean?"
I responded, "You know, someone who made us all."
He said knowingly, "Oh, like creators?"
I said, "Right.  I don't know how you know that word.  Why did the creators make us?"
He responded, "They thought it would be cool to make people."
I asked, "Why did they think it would be cool?"
He said, "Because people like people.  They love each other."
He went on to say that the creators are the color (crap, either  green or purple...forgot to write it down)
and that there are 52 of them.